


A Moment of Weakness

by fancyfanstuff



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: 4x01, Angst, F/F, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, OutlawQueen briefly mentioned, crying in the dark, post 3b
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 10:25:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16952271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fancyfanstuff/pseuds/fancyfanstuff
Summary: When Emma destroys Regina's life by bringing back Robin Hood's wife from the past, Regina wants to hate her almost as badly as she hates herself. However, when the Saviour comes to her study to talk about it, she ends up kissing her instead.Or, my version of how the Frozen-esque scene in 4x01 should have gone.





	A Moment of Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> As I'm currently working on a fic that is fluff through and through, I might have suffered from severe angst deprivation, then I was walking home at night one day and the darkness sparked my inspiration and this happened... Sorry, not sorry.  
> As always a big thank you to @lifeshouldbefunny for editing and listening to my little problems all the time.  
> Anyways, enjoy!

Fate is a bitch they say and they are fucking right. Regina takes a deep breath and tries to focus on the anger, the swear words, the rage, all the hard feelings that normally drown her pain. She forces her brain to think of the invective she else despises using and throws them at the situation in a desperate hope that they assuage the ache, if only a bit.

Idiot, she thinks and wants it to be Emma but the word bounces off the walls of her study and hits home in Regina's heart instead. She chokes, the muscle clenching until a real, physical pain shoots through her nerves. In a way, this hurt is better than the emotional one, because it stops her from thinking for a second.

Idiot, she tries to scream again, but it's only in her head and far too quiet. She, who's so famous for her sharp tongue, can't seem to find it today and so the words get stuck in her throat, adding just another nuisance to her discomfort.

You are weak, the Evil Queen inside her sneers. Regina doesn't know when she started thinking as two different personas but it's been a while now. Normally it helps her decide what to do, the right thing or the not-an-option one. Not today though, when the right thing is sitting in her study alone, feeling miserable.

Shut up, she snarls right back except her voice is lacks conviction because the Evil Queen has a point. She is pathetic, to believe that pixie dust would fix her life. She should have known better, should have understood that Solitude is the only soulmate she can ever dream of having, but she closed her eyes and turned a deaf ear to reason. She hates herself even more for that.

Her legs give way under her and she slumps against her office door, slowly sliding down the wood until her thighs, bare under a short grey skirt, touch the cold floor. Regina shivers. A tear rolls down her cheek and she feels the queen recoil, turning away with a scoff that expresses pure abhorrence at this blatant display of weakness and then Regina is truly alone.

Great, she thinks, at least I won't have to bear her anymore. But despite her attempt to see the good in the Queen's leave, a strangled sob escapes her throat and more tears follow the first, gradually building a netting of salty streaks on her cheeks.

With no snarky voice in her head to distract her, she once again stumbles into the darkness of her thoughts. Her grief is not about losing Robin only, though he definitely is the trigger this time, but there's more to it. She has been robbed of her happy ending, again, and a crushing hopelessness clutches her heart with an icy grip. Every time there is a shimmer of light in her life, something, or in this case someone, is prone to extinguish, steal or destroy it. It has happened so often, in a way she is surprised it still hurts so much.

Mere days ago, Snow White had told her that she didn't need her heart to feel, experiencing emotions with her whole soul instead. At this time, it had helped her to dare acting on her affection for Robin. Now she just wishes for it to stop. She wishes she could rip out her heart and actually feel relief, she wishes she had a way to put an end to the pain.

Regina moves her hand on top of her chest, ready to plunge into it and retrieve the little black thing that's causing her so much grief, but she hesitates. It had also been Snow White who told her that taking out her heart wasn't a method that actually solved the problem. Regina remembers all too well the burning ache she had felt, the loss of Henry still fresh and gaping. The pain had never really subdued throughout the year they had spent in the Enchanted Forest, but Robin and especially little Roland had helped taking her mind off things.

Additionally there had been Zelena to antagonise, and although now after her death Regina regrets fighting her sister, back then it had been a welcome change. The constant battle had brought the Queen back and, supported by elaborate dresses and jewellery, Regina had let her take over for hours at stretch, seeking relief in the way the royal hand transformed their hurt into fervid power.

But all the destruction had never been enough and Regina found herself crying at night, just like she is now, missing warmth and happiness, a healing hug, a gentle smile, a chance to breathe for once.

How have I lived with this emptiness before, she asks herself although she already knows the answer. She hasn't. She has merely survived.

All those years, the Evil Queen had kept their heart locked away, frozen and isolated, understanding that trying to forget it was existing at all was the only chance to preserve it. In a way, Regina owes her for that. And in a way, she wishes she could go back to those times, relying on the Queen in all her glorious raging fury. If she couldn't have love, then at least she could have revenge, and although destroying other people's lives never quite managed to make her feel happiness, she would sometimes be able to convince herself that the hate of her enemies was all the feeling she needed.

But now her enemy is Emma and that changes everything. She can't destroy Emma, she doesn't want to. Emma is supposed to be her friend, her only friend, and that makes everything so much harder.

There is a rattle at the door, vibrating through the wood and into Regina's spine as she's leaning against it.

"Regina."

For a brief moment she is wondering if it were her thoughts that brought Emma here or the other way around, but then the blonde is talking, about how this is difficult and about fighting, and her words tear open the wound in Regina's chest all over again.

Her heart throbs, the ache seemingly intensifying with every beat until Regina is convinced she'll burst. She folds her arms in something resembling the hug she so desperately craves, tries to take deep breaths but it feels like the air has been sucked out of the room. Emma is still speaking, in a resignated manner as if she knows that Regina won't answer.

And then she promises a happy ending and the Queen springs to life, howling like a wounded animal, those two words to much to bear, and for a blissful moment Regina loses control. She has already opened the door before she can overpower the Queen again and Emma turns around from where she's walking away, a questioning, almost hopeful look in her eyes.

Something twitches in Regina at that sight, because how dare Emma have hope when she ought to suffer for her betrayal, how dare she be Regina's friend and then hurt her like this? She opens her mouth to scream and declare the injustice of this all, but no sound comes out.

Emma steps closer and there's concern in the deep green of her eyes, worry and sorrow. Regina recognizes the mixture, has seen it just an hour ago.

She had looked in Emma's eyes the moment realization hit her. She has seen the shock in them, the disbelief, the heartbreak, mirroring her own. The guilt. And, nevertheless, the small part of defiance, the part that says 'I did the right thing, despite everything.' She wants to hate Emma for that Charming-righteousness, wants to spit fire like she did in the diner, at this first blow of betrayal. But something is holding her back, something that from the amount of pain it brings must be all Regina and no part Evil Queen, and she wants to be just herself again so badly, that she can't hate Emma for what she's done. Hate is the Queen's method.

"Regina," Emma says again and her voice is so soft that something inside of Regina breaks.

With a sob so quiet it almost isn't there at all, she hurls herself at Emma and presses their lips together. She kisses Emma furiously, cravingly, desperately, searching to take back the warmth the blonde stole from her.

For a second it seems like Emma is going to reject her, to turn away and leave, but Regina is whispering "You owe me" and she stays.

Tears stream down Regina's cheeks, adding a salty flavour to the kisses and Regina slides her tongue over Emma's lips until they part. She is distinctly aware of Emma picking her up and carrying her into the study, but mostly she is so occupied with ravaging Emma like Emma has ravaged her that she doesn't notice much else. Even the aching of her heart has become a minor matter until Emma puts her on the very couch she has occupied with Robin the evening she told him about the pixie dust.

Suddenly, kissing Emma isn't enough to keep her distracted anymore and so she straddles the blonde and pushes her down into the cushions. Her mouth leaves Emma's to kiss a trail down her throat, aggressively, needily, pausing only to suck at the pulse points until Emma whimpers and Regina catches fire. Burning is dangerous and later she will probably regret what she does next but right now there's nothing in the world that could stop her from ripping that stupid leather jacket off Emma's body and sliding her fingers beneath the tight black sweater she's wearing underneath.

Emma moans softly when Regina's mouth follows her hands as she's slowly exposing the smooth skin of Emma's abdomen. The saviour really has quite impressive abs and Regina lets her tongue leave a trail on them as she's wandering higher and higher until she pushes away the fabric to reveal a plain black cotton bra.

Emma's chest is flushed and heaving and for a sick moment, Regina relishes in the feeling of control, to have Emma at her mercy. Then a tear drops on Emma's skin and she opens her eyes. For the first time, there is pity in the green depths and Regina is reminded that she has no control at all.

The second she breaks is the second the Queen's anger flares, refusing to give up, and she assaults Emma's lips once more, her tears now flowing freely, wetting both their cheeks before seeping away in Emma's curls.

"I hate you," she chokes out between two kisses but she doesn't mean it, has never really meant it. Emma's tongue curls around hers as if to apologise and her eyes are greener than ever when tears well up in them too.

"I know," she whispers against Regina's lips and even the Queen is exhausted then because how do you destroy an enemy that refuses to fight back? How do you fight a friend?

Regina sobs, her trembling fingers make their way down to the button of Emma's jeans but they pause there even before Emma's hands reach down to wrap around them.

"You owe me," she wants to protest but her resistance is weak and Emma shakes her head.

"Not like this," she says and her voice is unsteady too as she carefully envelops Regina's slumped form in her arms and draws a shuddering breath, "This is not the right way."

"Why?" Regina breathes and doesn't mean Emma's refusal but everything else; why me, why you, why Marian and why Robin.

She doesn't expect an answer and Emma doesn't provide one. They just lie there, Regina shivering in Emma's embrace until she falls asleep.

The next morning Emma is gone. Regina feels the aching emptiness in her chest. She could start crying again. She decides to put on smile instead and although it turns out a bit grim, a bit forced, it also is determined.


End file.
